Is Love Enough?  

Posted by Darkmaer

Okay I'm going to try to write this blog as good as the thoughts came to me this morning at work. One of these days they need to come up with something that will record all your thoughts as they come to you...because when i'm inpirational...i don't have time to jot them down and it's not like i can jot them down as quick as my thoughts fly through my head. Anyway...

Is love enough?
A friend of mine and I have been talking here and there about her relationship and she said about finding out that love isn't enough to make a relationship work. This is a women who i can say is a women in every sense of the world, someone who i respect even to some degree look up too, someone who is wise beyond her years. Most of the time i agree with 98% of what she has to say, but this is one of those things that i don't agree on. In this blog i'm going to try to explain myself and maybe even make someone learn a thing or two. This is also a blog that i would love for people to chime in and say how you feel about the subject.

I'm going to start out by asking what is love in it's most purest form? To make it a little easier what is hate in it's purest form.

Love = Creation                  Hate = Destruction
These are the very basic and pure forms of these 2 emotions. No matter how to you look at it if you love something you are creating something. In the spiritual sense every living thing even this universe was made by a thought and if you put hate into something you can create nothing but chaos (destruction) so there is only 1 way that we came about and that was a thought of love (in spiritual terms...). When you draw or paint a picture, write a book, a sheet of music your putting love into that because you care about that. When you don't it is left unfinished or you don't even bother to start it at all. the thought never even crosses your mind to create anything of that nature.
So how why does this matter in a relationship problem. I mean come on your saying if you have a relationship problem it's because one of them hates the other? Thats just obsersered. Well to my thinking yes it is, though some people would think differently and have been down that path. but what i'm getting at is not so much a couple thing but an individual thing...will get into couples later.
I'll start off with my one and only experience with love. Mind you this is my take on my relationship and only mine. I wanted love all my life. The kind that isn't technically manditory (family) the feeling of a complete stranger getting to know you and caring for you so much that they would do anything (within reason) for you. It's the most powerful feeling that you could ever experience in your life if you ask me. I finally had that in my life...what happened? Looking back in retrospect, why did i want love so bad? well ever since prolly puberty I was depressed constantly. I did stupid things even actually drinking kerosine because well who cares my life doesn't matter, Middle school was my grunge years i wouldn't shower i never had clean clothes, I just didn't care about or love myself and what is the product i was creating? a hollow shell. I was destroying myself & my soul after middle school i went to high school and went into the metal stage of my life this was my i'm going to do this and if you don't like it fuck you stage (though i kept on high gene a little better) but i was still projecting hate because of one thing i hated myself and didn't like who i was. after school i moved around the US met a few people that attempted to try and help me because i think they seen how much i did hate myself. It was so quick and out of nowhere. I was living with my friend and his parents and i was working with my friend as well where i was litterately a bitch there.....worst job. but anyway this girl that brian knew from work wanted to go out the one night but i was the only one with a car and i didn't know her (because i don't talk to no one at work except krystal at the time) well we all went to the mall...cause you know thats cool and stuff. I don't know really how i managed but some how i got to talking to her and we got on the subject of jay and silent bob strikes back. she i think went to see it or rented or something with her gay friend but she didn't get to see it all because the gay friend didn't like all the gay jokes. well me being still who i am today completely oblivious to anything (lol and too the girls that i'm attracted to right away i watch every word i say because i don't want them to get the wrong idea.....yeah i'm a dumb fuck whatcha gonna do) i asked if she actually wanted to see it since i had or my friend had it at the house of course she did......and we watched at the max i'd say 15mins of it the rest of the time we were talking up a storm (this has only happened one other time with another girl where i have had that type of connection). anyway took her home she tried kissing me i turned my head like a queer...nervious and preasure of kissing a girl for the first time YIKES. Anyway a red light should have popped up there.....well actually it did i just didn't care. technically at the time she was going out with someone granted by the next day they were no more but these were what i think was the 2 major flaws in our relationship i was looking for love to i can feel good about myself...but i still to this day know how to love i have no doubt in my mind. I let you know that the smile i have on my face is because of you and that sparkle in my eye is there because of you....and granted i may not be perfect i may get angry but at the end of the day you know that no matter what i love you with all my heart, And i think my ex can vouch for that. anyway back to the subject. and I FEEL i repeat I FEEL that she was looking for a way out, someone new because she was done with her other relationship and granted she was attracted to me before that night she still was looking for a way out I FEEL. so again why did it fail.....i loved her in the end truly and she loved me in the end....i don't feel like she at the time had loved herself and i surely didn't love myself and we were holding each other up with our love for each other so what happens when love and hate colide...polar opposites...nothing happens it just is. day in and day out go to work go home go to work go ambition because we didn't love ourselves at the time. that changed prolly 2 years into the relationship I think my ex said enough is enough it's time to change and do something with my life (she is starting to love herself) so we made plans that well kinda went through. she started going to beauty school then after that it was going to be my turn type of the work horse positions so we can get ahead...that never happened i mean a little bit before she started going to beauty school she had had enough of the fighting and the living paycheck to paycheck and left granted we got back together i have my thoughts on that but it's in the past and what is done is done and on january 1st i forget what year lol i think 05 i called her up (because i didn't have a car at the time otherwise i would have done it to her face to show respect) and said it was done not because i didn't love her i loved her with all my heart but i seen her heart just wasn't in it anymore. I took it hard....mainly because 2 days later she was with someone who she is now married to. but it was a knife to the heart at the time because i still loved her and still would have married her in a heart beat and then to find out how little she loved me that it seemed like not even a second guess. so that was the most painful experiences in my life and for 2 and a half years i struggled which is now why i am so spiritual that i am now. and without this women who i'm trying to prove my point that love is all that you need in this blog i truly don't know if i would have been able to cope as well as i have. since the middle of 2007 i've been able to start to grow to truly love myself and since i've made some changes in my life and a big one is moving away from the town that had all that negetive energy clung to it I'm on top of the world right now and have never been happier in my life. I have goals now i want to better my life because i love myself. frankly sure if someone came along and we hit it off it would be really great i'd love that....but the difference now is i don't NEED that. In fact i have already meantioned it to some people if someone wanted to start dating me or whatever i think i'd prolly have to turn them down...i'm doing what i need to do now to make myself happy if your still around when i come back, sure but not until i create the world i want to live in first.
so my point i'm getting across. in order for you to truly love somebody you need to love yourself. if there is a counter balence one of you is growing and the other is stagnet there is a problem in there love of themself or there love for you. when the love of yourself is givin to the one you love there is only one thing that can come from it creation granted this has to be done on both levels the other one has to love themselves as well and they must share that love that they have for them selves (put it in easier terms...each has to want to share there happiness with each other) the idea also to this is no one will be taking more then the other the ego will not get in the way because you will both be getting love and the love will build...this is best demonstrated at the end of the movie The Celestine Prophecy if you haven't seen it go watch it (sorry i sadly can't find a link...there used to be one). on the other hand you can have someone who loves them selves and is sharing there love and happiness with someone who doesn't love themselves and there just going to be taking taking taking and eventually that love is going to run out and there going to be alone because someone can only share so much love and so much happiness before there is nothing left to give if there not recieving the same in return.
this is the very reason why i think love is all you need and it is enough....i think we need to step back and look at our situation a little better. there will be no future if there is no love for yourself in order for you to want to grow.
and what you end up with is this

Infinite Love by ~doku-no-aru on deviantART

As David Icke said "infinite love is the only truth, everything else is illusion"

now i'm going to go off on a different subject....maybe someone can help me understand this. I've only been in one serious relationship....why is it that i seem to have such a vast knowledge in the subject where i can talk to someone who has had tons of relationships has had the experience to learn first hand what to do and what not to do and how to make his love life better...and they haven't the slightest clue and can't seem to get there shit together at i can name one paticular guy. and like this blog these thoughts are just rushed into my head as though someone is just feeding them too me.....and then i get to thinking...maybe someone is. And i mean that by saying they say the wise men are usually silent because they don't have to prove anything to anyone. maybe there wise because they do stay silent and they do gather information from the Infinite consciousness...that is another subject if you don't know what i'm talking about. I mean like at work today these thoughts were coming to me when i was in a light meditative state....this is how i write everything in my life....and it makes me wonder how comes when i attempt to talk about these wonderful fasinating things i can't even get the words out without struggling and they always come out as miscontrued and misunderstood....but when i'm writing it just flows so naturally as if someone is guiding my hands to tell me exactly what i need to write (though puncutation and spelling...thats all me lol).

anyway any thoughts and comments about this blog are greatly appreshated

In love and light

if you're frightened of dying and holding on, then you'll see devils tearing your life away. but if you've made your pease, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth  

Posted by Darkmaer

sweet so i found well actually i found them awhile ago i just never really checked them out...i found them somehow on wikipedia and just bookmarked them(watched) and i finally sat down and listened to them. kinda sux but so far they only do covers...hopefully it will be like apacolypica(sp?)and they eventually start doing there own music. but the band is called "Gregorian" and there a group of guys that chant...i love chanting and choir in music and i mean LOVE it could prolly suck ass but because it has that in it i become hooked...kinda like why i like some black metal it has that along with orchestra music. but anyway i'll post some videos up on here to check out.

Sweet just found them doing meatloaf

definately different from Amy Lee but it has it's own beauty here is my immortal

hehe and Rammstein

sexy vampire?  

Posted by Darkmaer

So i have guilty pleasures thats for sure. I was on newgrounds (ive been on there lately because i've been quite bored as of late.) and ran across a flash that i hate to admit but i just love good cheesy techno. it gets you moving even if your not really into music at the moment.....i don't know i just love love me some cheesy techno. i guess it reminds me of something i'd here in japan /shrug

but here is the flash...kinda cute

so they do work as advertised  

Posted by Darkmaer

So this paycheck i put down some money even though i really shouldn't have. but i kind of got sick of tired of waking up at 4 in the morning and not really having too much time to get ready for work and i'd actually skip stuff in my routine. the main one was shaving. Well anybody that has known me since around after i worked at starbucks is you have to keep clean shaven or where a "beard net". Which for me anything that rubs my hair on my face even slightly it starts to itch and sorry thats a no go when it's constantly iching for 8hrs. but well i've started getting used to being clean shaven and now it's been bothering me that my beard would come back and what first thing that goes on my mind is just buy a trimmer (my solution always...since i always seem to leave my trimmer at the last place from where i moved), but the problem with the trimmer is well it's got like 10 different attachments and even with all those stupid attachments the things still don't get the job done properly. so i went to work and was going to pick up a electric razor to see how they are and test it out. Well i was going to just get the cheap one but i was actually taking a class on razors at the time and the guy teaching the class really recomonded the middle grade one we had because he apparently had last years model and loves it. the main reason being instead of one circle of combs (the blades are underneath) it has three combs meaning more realesate in less time. So i got it (BTW it's the Norelco 8250XL) took it home did the long as recharging of 12hrs and well how is my initial reaction? It still won't be a actual razor just because of one major factor a razor will cut anything granted it might take you more time to shave when you get that really long beard but it still will shave it. but other then that I love the thing. cause when i first used it i did have my beard kinda creeping out to the point that i better do something or they might start getting on me at work. well because the hairs were so long all it did was pinch and pull...i mean it did cut too just not that great. so since it had a trimmer in the back i figured i'd use that to take care of most of the longer hairs. now my second day of having it and i'm really really enjoying it. it gets as close of a shave as a gillette razor which still boggles my mind how that exactly works...since a gillette you can cut yourself because you are taking a blade across your skin. where these electronic razors granted there still is a blad involved but the only thing that seems to be touching your face is 3 metal disc with slots and holes in them boggles thee mind.
so what do i like most about shaving cream (saves time) no hair everywhere...when i read that there was a hair catcher in the manual i was excited because that was the #1 thing i hated about trimmers i'd get done and the hair wasn't really shaved well and yet there is like a 2 foot diameter of hair everywhere in the bathroom....pain in my ass. now i don't have that which is nice because i can shave anywhere now and not have to worry mainly when you travel car, plane etc etc. and this is the #1 thing i love about it the way it shaves it's easy on the face and if anybody knows me when i first shave my face is bright red and litterally stays like that almost all day...and it's ugly and i can shave and have my skin tone look great with a nice close shave. granted i still will have to concern myself with my dry skin problem but so far it's less of a problem i think because i can do it dry so i'm not putting water on my face that has all kinds of chemicals in it along with shaving cream that has even more chemicals. granted the intruction manual did say you might be irritated for the first couple of weeks (they give you a 21 day challange) but luckly that only seems so far in the neck area which is agitating but for that part i think it is mainly do to my hairs go every which way unlike everywhere else. so oh well hopefully like it said it will cease after a couple of weeks but if not it's a small price to pay for ALOT of convienece


Posted by Darkmaer

nice day today. I'm sitting here after i took a shower having a nice little glass of southern comfort.

Was thinking awhile taking a shower and got to thinking why is it that certain people such as myself compared to others do i care so much about being enlightened spiritually where you got others that all they do in life is wait for the next football season, or can't wait to get through the week so they can sit down on that one night and watch there favorite show? Isn't there something that goes through there head and say there has got to be more to this life then meets the eye. Humans today are so preoccupied with everything that goes on in there lives they can't just sit back relax in silence and just think breath. In fact some people are even afraid of doing that. We tend to discover things about us that we didn't know when we do these things. Is it that were so wrapped up in trying to be what the world/society wants us to be that when we silence our selves we do have a different thought process that we should be moving in a different direction that says money and wealth really don't matter?

I'm not really sure why or how i got to be like this really. I mean it wasn't up till like i was prolly i'd say 21 that i was like everybody else. You know the typical guy (well not entirely) looking for nothing but to get laid and give me electronics for presents, really concerned with tv shows, know just really wrapped up in worldy affairs that makes us blind to what is really going on around us. the only thing i really remember was when my relationship with my ex was starting to fail i picked up a for dummies book on witchcraft...shortly after returned it because something told me that some of those books for dummies are really for dummies...meaning it's for people that just want to play around and not get serious about anything. so i held off for awhile on getting another book but the pull was still there.....infact it should be pointed out that when our family first got the internet in our farm house like back in 95 (or somewhere around there)I got up late at night when everyone was in bed and that was the first thing i looked up (yup even before porn...whats that) was about i've had a pull for learning anything of the mysteries of the ancient religions since i can remember...i loved the idea of magick, dragons, castles, etc, etc all my life. but something that turned into curiosity turned into a life changing ordeal. i have a complete bookshelf now full of religious writings i mean everything from the ancient of ancient to the newest of new (scientology).

I don't know i guess i just don't really get how people don't care about being apart of that universal consciousness and being one with all reality and being infinitely wise knowing everything....they would rather be kept a slave working day in and day out oblivious slaving away so the things they own, own them.

just my random thoughts for the night


Posted by Darkmaer

Umm this post might not be for everybody. It's mainly the people who grew up on video games and had a passion for them...and still do to a certain extent (i enjoy them but i just don't make them my life anymore). For the other people who view this you might get a laugh out of it anyway. These are all done in flash but someone transfered them over to video format for embeding purposes. Most of this stuff and many more can be found over at NEWGROUNDS so check it out if you want more funny dorkie stuff.


Awesome Fantasy 7 - Watch the best video clips here

Just for fun...this was my most hated game i ever played

Okay and now for an actual blog post. Nothing much going on in my life at the moment. Just working and trying to keep moving on in this world. I'm really excited about this paycheck though because i finally get to order Jess's birthday present. I just hope she likes it as much as i thought about it...granted if I didn't have to start paying rent so soon at my house the gift would have been way more extravagant. Then again there is always Christmas so add the official last touches that i want to do to it. People are prolly still wondering why it's so important to me to get this stuff for her. Well for one i think she will find it very useful, but the most important thing to me is this is my like 4th life long friend. Not only that but the personal lvl compared to my other life long friends are different. We have the ability to go deeper into life and talk about the shit that really matters in life. Plus who knows where i'd be without her with getting over my ex. She was always there for me for the most part if i needed to talk to...granted she has a life too and problems come up as well.

Trust is very important to me. I don't trust many people and I know who she is she doesn't let many people in her world either so it's nice that both sides of the trust factor is there. especially with my trust factor towards women. I mean i've forgiven my ex but i'm still very very cautious about getting involved with anyone, or just friends. Like i'm trying to be very selective of my friends down here because i'm tired of hanging out (not my true friends mind you) with trash. I want to be surrounded by positive people and not people who lie cheat and steal to get go through there daily lives, and for a good time they drink and do drugs because they have to numb there existence in this world because in reality they think there nothing...there just one pathetic person.

Anyway i think i'm done because i need to get up at 4 again...hopefully my check will be put into my bank by thursday like last time...cause i really don't want to have to give a gas attendant $10 in quarters...but so be it if i i had to take that change out of my change jar and i really didn't want to have to touch that since that is my personal fund for all my computer and spiritual workshops and classes.

and done

Glass and I don't mix  

Posted by Darkmaer

Well life has been great.

So i fucked myself up a little bit...the house we live in is kinda old and of course you have stupid people that tend to paint the windows shut (IN EVERY OLD HOUSE KNOWN TO MAN i believe...since i haven't seen one that wasn't) so my window sticks.....but i opened it today because it was nice out...later that night i went and closed it but of course couldn't...somehow i managed to as the window was going down...i think it was because i was trying to stop it from slamming shut. but with the way the micanics of how i did it i felt like i barely touched the glass but somehow the window completely busted and my hand went through it...luckly it managed to not hurt me too much. i got 2 more bigger cuts on each side of my right wrist and then the back of my elbow is cut up by shards of glass that i don't think any is still stuck in my skin....but anyway yay for me...luckly there is another glass layer on the window...though will definitely need to get the one replaced because i think it will be bad on the heat this winter.

But anyway i was at the used book store the other day and i stopped going there for awhile since i had bought all the books that i could find that i i waited a few weeks before going back so they could get replenished with something i might like again. and they sure did. I've been looking at this book for awhile now at the book stores but it was always one of those books that i wanted to get but there was always a more important book to get. well not only was this book there but they had a hardcover (along with softback) which if anybody knows me if i can get something in either hardback or leatherbound i get it in those preferred styles. so i got this $25 book for $ i was excited. but anyway the book was "The Jesus Mysteries" which is basically a book on astrotheology.

Then some good news for me and i'll be excited when it happens, But Jess has been taking some classes that i've been wanting to learn and so she said she is going to take a long weekend sometime and come down here and teach me a little of what she learned so that will be fun because well someone is actually going to visit me i'm very lonely down here anyway..i'm done for this blog...just thought i'd post this up here since i haven't posted anything in awhile

stuborn like a bull...or shall we say Taurus  

Posted by Darkmaer

lol this video is so freakin accurate it's not even funny

if you want to see who i am watch this video it's least me.


Posted by Darkmaer

Well I'm gun ho again. I figure this is how I'm going to do it. Because well its all about trying to plan and balance. I started reading the introduction to the Egyptian book of the dead so I don't know how that is going to be structured. But as far as the other books (the bible, quran, bhagavad-gita) is concerned ill be reading those at a rate of prolly 1 to 2 chapters a night. Though it seems to me that the quran and the bhafacad-gita arnt really that big of books. I mean the quran's pages are about as thin as the bibles, but between the commentary and the original arabic writing there really isn't much of the actual english words of the quran per page, and same goes for the bhagavad-gita but the pages are a little thicker for that book so it looks like even less. Plus with that book they have the original text then they have how its wrote in english txt format. Then they show how its all pronounced and what each section means. Then they finally have it in plane english writing that you can read.

But to me out of all of them the Egyptian book of the dead is really nice (at least the version I got) I mean its no leather bound or anything but its actually one of those annoying doesn't fit on the book shelf kind of books (because its so big) but the format is really nice. It has the whole Egyptian scroll in nice full color above and then down below it has the actual english translations. But I love it because the scroll is just so beautiful with the art. But I can't wait to read that too. Since it is 3000BCE (BC for the christians) so now with that I want to see if some stuff leaked over in to the christian faith. Which I know the arc of the covenant did. But apparently so did the ten commandments did too. But I'd like to find other books like that that have to do with the Egyptian faith and theology. Since I think Egyptians had the biggest impact on most faiths.
Darkmaer Bloodmoon )O(
In Love and Light
"There Is a War going on for your mind, If we are thinking, then we are winning"
>Sent via my BlackBerry

hallowed be thy name  

Posted by Darkmaer

blah I'm starting to get too much onto my plate. and i'm horrable at balancing. well I got the reflexology, work, studying religion, music, and trying to study up on my math basics for my GED...too too much...but i think thats a good thing really. keeps my mind off shit.

tonight at work i had a light come out of it's socket and had the prongs come down on my arm about about 10 feet up.....yeah kinda hurt.

boy balancing....thats prolly one of my most problematic things in my life. I think i might do a spell for that now that i'm thinking about it. i was already planning doing one for the audio engeneering first i was just going to do one for my GED but they say for example if your wanting money for something that you need don't do a spell for money do a spell for the total outcome...or for example if your needing a bill paid don't make a spell for money make a spell to have that bill already paid for.
one thing that i'm still holding strong too thought is not doing love spells.....since well frankly it's against my beliefs even though i don't think there is anything wrong (at least not that i can see) going a general love help find someone compatable but if your doing one that is directed toward someone specific. I don't approve since granted i don't consider myself a witch I do hold there law in high regard (an it harm none, do what thou wilt) and if you are directing a spell to someone specific without there knowledge or consent you are breaking that law......because in a sense you are making that person love you against there will......granted i do believe if they don't like you.....chances are there still not going to love you know matter what....unless they are weak minded.

but anyway i'm posting quite a long video of my general beliefs....incase anybody is interested.

you can find it HERE sorry no embed or some reason...douches

here is also a SITE case you want to skim instead of watching a 3 hour movie