Okay at first i thought like everyone else that anybody can do music on a computer....i totally take that back.....yes anybody can do it but what really makes it hard (if your actually serious about it) is you have to learn how to program the snyths. cause well 1 using presets is really just lame (yes i will be doing that though as i learn). but learning to program is quite an art really.....if you take away a synths ablilities to morph a sound...it's a very very annoying electronic beep no one and i mean no one would want to put that in music it's just is boring and a dead feel to it...and it grinds the ears. but thru programing you can literately take that annoying ass sound and turn it into a work of art essentually and let me tell you just from taking a little time here and there to try to create a certain type of noise (even though i kind of know what does what) is freaking HARD!!! so saying it's an "easy" way to get into the music business and there is no talent to techno and stuff...until you get your hands dirty trying to do it...shouldn't make such a comment....people spend years learning how to program synths......so it's like any instrument...granted playing a snyth isn't brain sergery in fact as long as you keep a basic scale you can make a pretty kick ass snyth lead....the challenge is in the bread and butter.......i mean playing a guitar is hard to play (if you don't know how to play) but getting a guitar to sound like a certain way is reletivly pretty easy....i want metal sound...so get a metal based distorion petal.....so it's kind of like the challenges switch when it comes to snyth.....other intruments are hard to play but easy to get it to sound a certain way.....snyths are easy to play (but can be as challenging as any intrument if you wish) but hard to make it sound the way you want.....and granted alot of the sounds sound alike in techno industrial etc etc.....but you know what i really haven't found any presets that sound exactly like my favorite artists.....so guess what they make those sounds themselves and that is something that should be respected but instead people disreguard thinking it's cake........now down the road i plan on getting a hardware snyth because apparently all the old heads started on hardware (because there were no soft snyths) but i can understand where it would be easy to understand since it's more hands on instead of using a mouse to turn dials and what not.....i'm thinking about the Korg Radius most likely....lots of nobs to learn and fiddle with

so i'm really really thinking of throwing caution into the air here.....i'd have roughly $20 for the next 2 weeks for food if i do it and then of course if i need extra money for gas...hehe well you know how that would go....but i'm going to be ordering my axiom (midi controller) but i could throw in the audio interface in there as well...but again it would be a tight squeeze...then again i do got $15 in change in a jar here....but the reason why i want to sqeeze it in there is because of the payment options...if i just buy the midi controller sure i'll have it but i won't be able to do the music i REALLY want unless i have the audio interface....and i'm going the ez pay plan anyway so it breaks up the payments into 3 payments...so i won't be able to get the audio interface (because i'm not adding another payment later down the road without paying off the first one...that could just cause me troubles down the road) until prolly 3 months down the road...and if i want to do this (people that know me know if i don't continue to keep my interest and keep moving with something i'll drop it) i'll need to do it now other wise i'll loose interest (though i doubt i will in all seriousness but i want to get at least the basics so i can make the music) so i might just do it and worry later.....there is going to be alot of sacraficing anyway with this music stuff...but the really cool thing though about getting the audio interface is that is a huge thing out of the way.....that is the part that i will need to hook my mic up to for vocals...so that is a huge chunk of money out of my studio in the making. lol though the mic is roughly $800..i wanted to go cheap but Tom from assemblage 23 said thats the one thing you don't want to be going cheap on....so $800 m audio sputnik...granted it is expensive you do get quite a bit (lol well at least they can do that for you) you get a nice hard industrial metal case, a shock mount, dedicated power supply (which i shouldn't need since the audio interface comes with phantom power..but still nice they give it to you if you don't have phantom powered interface), mic cable and a soft cloth bag....why you'd stick it in that is beyond me since condenser mics are VERY fragile and should be treated with care......so the only things i'll need to get after i get the mic is a stand and pop filter.....which is nothing after spending that much on a mic.

then the thing that isn't sooo much a big deal but apparently it still is a big deal......i need to buy monitors cause apprently normal speakers don't cut it.....i thought since i have some bose speakers hooked up they would work fine but apparently they make normal speakers to sound good....where monitors are more like the musics true sound...and you can catch alot of stuff that normal speakers don't show you......but thats down on my list just because...well it's not a nessisty (yeah i can't spell whatcha gonna do about it) right now

lol i haven't heard this album in forever....i had bought it when it came out about and i forgot how good it was and since it got scratched all to hell back in the day i'd figure i would download it...i hope they didn't breakup but something tells me they did....where is shirley...is she divorsed yet i'd still do many many evil things to her.

ah whatever it's a good album though if you haven't heard it. hmm so i decided i'm going to go with ablton for my first DAW (digital audio workstation) since it's got so much more options...granted if you buy just ableton by it's self i mean you can create stuff but it doesn't come with much (where Reason comes with just about everything you could want...except plugin support and audio) so luckly i got free VST's (virtual instruments basically) which will take care of that stuff....but yeah there is a learning curve compared to Reason so along with ordering my MIDI controller i might be ordering me a ableton live book....because well even when you buy the software you still have a electronic manual...i mean i guess it's good for the environment and shit....but come on i love my manuals and books.....give me something i can look at on my desk...instead of having to switch back and forth between the manual and the program on the computer....pain in the ass.

I don't know after having a really shitty day i got an email from Jess and she said 4 words in that email that made my day.....this is the stuff that i need every once in awhile from people to make me feel appreciated in life. all she said was "gods i miss you" thats it....but it lifted my entire shitty day and made me feel good...that i'm not forgotten is so important to me it's not funny....it sux to move away from people you care about...but then to find that they didn't care as much as you thought...because you don't here a word from them...until you move a decent distance away you prolly will never know how it is...but i already knew that jess would prolly be the only one when i left that would truly miss me (besides barb...but she is my second mom) and i was right.

anyway 2 days off and i'm excited booya.

Okay the other day i was at work thinking and it came clear to me how God must feel. because i understand how God feels to a certain extent. Alright follow me.

Everyday my heart gets broken a little more each day by the people I would like to call my friends. I love them very much each and every one of them. I'd do anything for them...in reason.

everybody calls out to God in there time of need. it's wierd even if they don't believe in a god at all at there death bed or if there in serious danger they will call out to god...it's a comfort tool for most and once they are out of that danger they forget everything mocking it up as well i was meant to get out of that danger or whatever that "rational" thought process might be and forget about god entirely. my what i'd like to call "friends" do this to me on a regular basis. when they need comfort, help, advice, ANYTHING...they will come to me. but just like the people with God once everything is fine and okay in there lives they forget i was even there....and it breaks my heart because i do love you guys. i do take time out of my life to try and be there for each and everyone of you.

Now don't get me wrong just like with God i do have a small amount "followers". people that have truly dedicated there life to our friendship these people include Brian, John, Jess, Barb, Cassie...yup i said Cassie if she can still be a true friend after all the shit that we went there and all the fights to the point where we wanted to slit each others throats anybody can take the time and effort that i do to be my friend. (and i hope kristen though i send emails and i make the effort to send a myspace msg but i never here anything back...unless i do send the myspace msg...apparently she can't call me for some reason or another but everyone else seems to be able to).


but I'm not God so i can only forgive so much before i feel betrayed and not loved as a person for being in each one of your lives. hopfully putting things into this context makes people understand how i feel....that is the #1 thing i have a problem with with religion and it does make me mad that i'm like that...when things are down i will go to religion...when things are up i don't need it.....i want to break that habbit but it's in our very nature to be like that when it comes to religion...but there is no excuse for using any of your "friends" as a stepping stool, an ego booster etc etc...time and time again.

some of my friends have totally dissapperd from my life I guess they truly found happiness...i miss them very much i haven't spoken to them in a very long while...like the beginning of the year just about.

well i can't really say more...you are my friends and I love you all and i really don't want to have to leave some of you out of my life.

So this stuff is like clock work. yet it gets me every time. i don't know why it bugs me or why i can't even prepare for the blow. it crushes me every time.

I'm there for my "friends"...i wouldn't call most of them friends. most of them are female companions that i take a liking to. some (most) i know i'm not compatable. some (one) mean the world to me. I'm there for them because no one else seems to be I do this because i care for them very much. and when there in trouble everything is great i feel like i actually have a friend...maybe even possablly more. but I'm naieve soon as there problems are patched up. they don't need me and drop me so quick. i mean don't get me wrong there at least nice enough to give me 2 or 3 word responses when i try to talk to them...i guess i should be happy about that at least.

I know the proper thing to do...drop them like a hat (where did this exspression come from...doesn't make too much sense). but i know from exsperience the next one that comes around will do the exact same thing...history seems to repeat it's self. and how am i supposed to let them go when they mean so much to me.

people seem to love just playing with my heart......thats right though i don't know how hard it is for them...when everything is fine they feel loved in the person who there with....when everything isn't fine they might not have a physical love but they have someone there you could give them the most emotional love they could ever want...your right it does sound really hard for you.

where I have it easy.....alone constantly...for getting what it feels like to kiss someone let alone just hold someone.....having your emotions and feelings tossed aside everytime life gets better for that other person...yup nothing could be easier and less heart wrenching for me

So i can't remember if i wrote a blog about my car fucking up and not being able to get any of my equipment that i was supposed to get.......but if i did oh well your hearing it again.

but suprisingly enough this little dorky nerd actually installed a alternator and it actually WORKED.....holy mother of god. the last time i tried fixing something on my car was on my taurus and i actually made it worse and had to take it to a pro anal fucker (because thats what there good at).

but anyway....pretty decent day today. i got my car working...that was a huge plus. then after that i went to advance auto parts and got my core charge back (a whopping $85...sweet) and then i went to walmart and got my core charge for my battery back too. then after that i went to bestbuy because i wanted to play around with my future computer (imac...btw who is buying that for me). I picked up the new slipknot cd because well frankly i could care less about slipknot much anymore (though i noticed when listening to it in my car i got into it a little bit more then i had when listening to it on my computer). but what can i say no matter what i think Corey is an amazing song writer and he seems to get better and better as time goes along......lol the dvd that came with it has corey recording his vocals (meaning nothing but his voice) and i am just thinking about awesome he is.....i might be a little gay for him...but can you blame me....i know hes actually just a dork like anybody else but soon as you here those vocals and his lyrics he turns from dork to cool....umm do people use the word cool anymore...or is that uncool to say cool...

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oh sorry i just don't think i put enough of those "..." in my writing

then i went to borders and was JUST going to pick up a book which i did do that which it is a book about reason 4 - that link is a little sample of what reason 4 can do. the nice thing about reason is the way it's setup...it's setup just like a studio where it's all hardware racks.....and you can patch and wire stuff exactly the way you want to...plus the nice thing is if i ever do go into the studio (which i'm just going to make my room my own studio) i'll kind of know my way around at least the hardware part.

but as i was buying it i saw jack...you know skellington looking at me from behind the counter....they put out a new 2 disc (technically 3 disc) collectors edition of nightmare.....and i'm a sucker for cool packaging and extra shit.....so technically it doesn't have all that much more (at least from the back of the case) that the original has...but oh well...it's got cool packaging and a digital copy for your computer (even though i have programs to rip them on my computer...oh well).

then i went to work...i'm not sure why i picked up that shift cause i was really tired. but i made it through came home and my mom ordered pizza so that was nice...and we watched a movie.

after that i talked to my ex for a couple of hours (i think it was a couple) about events going on in our lives

and now i'm here writing a blog. and then i'm prolly going to read some of my reason book and hope that i can get my midi controller NEXT paycheck so i can start to use reason........i was going to use fruity loops. but FL is only available to windows...where reason (along with many others) is available for both MAC and PC so when i make that jump to MAC i can take my projects along with me, and i won't have to learn new programs all over again because i'll be using the same one i had beeen using. but i was playing around with some of the sounds today that garage band comes with and i gotta say for a beginning program that comes free with the MAC...you really can't beat that at all. but when i get my MAC i'm prolly going to be using LOGIC as well (more professional version of garage band.....equal to that of pro tools)

anyway i'm getting tired and i'm done with this blog.......i better be able to order my shit next paycheck...there will be hell to pay...i want to start making this shit happen