Okay the other day i was at work thinking and it came clear to me how God must feel. because i understand how God feels to a certain extent. Alright follow me.

Everyday my heart gets broken a little more each day by the people I would like to call my friends. I love them very much each and every one of them. I'd do anything for them...in reason.

everybody calls out to God in there time of need. it's wierd even if they don't believe in a god at all at there death bed or if there in serious danger they will call out to god...it's a comfort tool for most and once they are out of that danger they forget everything mocking it up as well i was meant to get out of that danger or whatever that "rational" thought process might be and forget about god entirely. my what i'd like to call "friends" do this to me on a regular basis. when they need comfort, help, advice, ANYTHING...they will come to me. but just like the people with God once everything is fine and okay in there lives they forget i was even there....and it breaks my heart because i do love you guys. i do take time out of my life to try and be there for each and everyone of you.

Now don't get me wrong just like with God i do have a small amount "followers". people that have truly dedicated there life to our friendship these people include Brian, John, Jess, Barb, Cassie...yup i said Cassie if she can still be a true friend after all the shit that we went there and all the fights to the point where we wanted to slit each others throats anybody can take the time and effort that i do to be my friend. (and i hope kristen though i send emails and i make the effort to send a myspace msg but i never here anything back...unless i do send the myspace msg...apparently she can't call me for some reason or another but everyone else seems to be able to).


but I'm not God so i can only forgive so much before i feel betrayed and not loved as a person for being in each one of your lives. hopfully putting things into this context makes people understand how i feel....that is the #1 thing i have a problem with with religion and it does make me mad that i'm like that...when things are down i will go to religion...when things are up i don't need it.....i want to break that habbit but it's in our very nature to be like that when it comes to religion...but there is no excuse for using any of your "friends" as a stepping stool, an ego booster etc etc...time and time again.

some of my friends have totally dissapperd from my life I guess they truly found happiness...i miss them very much i haven't spoken to them in a very long while...like the beginning of the year just about.

well i can't really say more...you are my friends and I love you all and i really don't want to have to leave some of you out of my life.